Crazed In the Kitchen: Dead Womb Walking?   

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Dead Womb Walking?


So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my uterus.


For most of my life I have taken my uterus for granted and haven’t thought about it much at all. During my two pregnancies I thought about it A LOT, of course, but once my babies joined us on this side of my cervix, I kind of forgot about it again. But now I feel bad, like I haven’t appreciated it enough. It grew two healthy babies and helped usher them into this world just as it should. (And one of those babies was 9 pounds, 10 ounces and almost two weeks late—that’s above and beyond the call of duty, uterus-wise.) If uterus-having were an Olympic sport, I’d at least qualify for the finals, I think. (No medal, though—those would go to the Super Uteruses, like the ones in surrogate mothers and Michelle Duggar.)

So why am I now suddenly all, “How great is my uterus?”

See, I had a birthday recently. The First Annual Celebration of My 39th Birthday, to be precise.  And as the big 4-0 looms ever larger, I can’t help but wonder if my uterus’s time is up.

If it’s not just a dead womb walking.

I have always said that I want to be done having kids by age 40. I’m not sure why I drew the line at 40—I guess it was all the talk about how your fertility decreases around then, at the same time that your chances of having problems with your pregnancy increase. For whatever reason, for me and many of my friends who put off having kids until our 30s, 40 is the big cutoff date. Last call at the fertility saloon, if you will.

Well, 40 is just one year away. And if you do the math, given a nine-month pregnancy (HA!), that means we have just 3 more months to decide if I’m retiring the old uterus or calling it back into baby-making action one last time.

And I just don’t know.

There are some days when I KNOW, unequivocally, that my two darling boys are enough for me. It’s not just the days when they fight like rabid badgers, though that certainly helps. But it’s also the days when they are just wonderful; when we are lying in a heap on the couch reading a book together, or sitting on the floor at the airport eating a McDonald’s picnic and watching planes take off as we wait out a 2-hour delay. And I think, “How can I ask for more than this? Why rock this happy little boat?”

But, then… Then I remember being pregnant. Feeling those first kicks and hiccups and even the right hooks to the bladder. Somehow the balloon ankles, sciatica, and crippling nighttime carpal tunnel pain are forgotten. Instead I think about that delicious anticipation that comes before you meet your newest little one, the nine months of wondering what he or she will be like, and then the slow process of getting to know the precious little human you helped create.

(If a mom with a new baby happens to walk by as I’m having all these thoughts, there’s a good chance my ovaries will just explode.)

Ovaries exploding in 3, 2, 1...

It doesn’t help that every time I turn around or log onto facebook someone in my real or online life is announcing their third pregnancy. I can’t even read my favorite celebrity gossip magazine without hearing about Jennifer Garner’s new (third) baby or Tori Spelling getting pregnant just one month after her second baby with her current husband was born. (By the way, that’s a whole ‘nother blog post, am I right? ONE MONTH? We all know what that means, and that is completely cray cray. Good lord, give your poor lady parts a break, Tori!)

Of course, everyone assumes that if we tried for a third, I’d want a girl. And sure, there are times when I think, “Wow, everyone in this family farts a whole lot,” and then I think it might be nice to have a daughter to hide in the corner with, fanning ourselves and spraying Febreze at anyone who gets close. And, I have to admit I kind of want to see what would happen if my husband ever had to deal with little-girl hair. THAT would make for some entertaining facebook photos, I’m sure.

But truthfully, when I think about having another child, I don’t secretly wish for a certain gender. I just think about holding a squishy little newborn and smelling his or her wonderful little head. (What is it about newborns’ heads that make them smell so good?) I think about another round of first smiles, first steps, first words. I think about the amazing, addictive, indescribable feeling of love I have for my sons.

But still, I just don’t know.

I wish that the decision to have a third child were as cut-and-dried as the decision to have a first or second. With our first baby, the question my husband and I had was relatively easy to answer: Did we want kids or not? The answer was yes, the timing was right, so we moved on to the fun part. Sure we were a little scared and not entirely sure what to expect from parenthood, but we forged ahead anyway. The decision to have a second child was also easy. We asked ourselves,  “Do we want our child to have a sibling?” The answer again was yes, and though it was a little more difficult to find time for the fun part with a toddler in the house, we managed to make it happen.

It's Ryan Gosling holding a baby. *Drool*
But, a third? Not so easy. Right now, we are so lucky. My two boys are healthy. They are active, happy, little beasts who, sure, tend to break things and whine a lot and refuse to eat most vegetables, but who also, for the most part, get along with others and follow most social norms (you know, just not the ones involving nudity). They are by no means perfect, but they are perfect for US. How do I know if we are meant to have another?

So. My husband and I have some thinking to do in the next month or so. There’s a lot to consider—even more than what I’ve laid out here. My uterus is looking for answers, and I can’t keep her waiting much longer. (Uteruses are female, right? It would be weird otherwise, I think.)

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you—how did you know when you were done having children? And how did you know how many you wanted to have?



33 comments:

  1. I actually haven't decided if I am done having kids and I am at that crossroads (and deadline incidentally). I think I will just KNOW or my body will tell me.

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    1. I am waiting patiently for that moment when I just know...waiting...and waiting...;)

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  2. This probably sounds silly from a non-mom, who has never had the joy of being pregnant or a wonderful squishy new born, but I know in my heart that Eric and I will be done at 2. Maybe it's because I'm one of 2, or because the whole world is designed for a family of 4. Standard cars (no need to buy something with a 3rd row), tables at restaurants, the number of hands I have. 2 just seems simpler. Your boys are close enough in age that my feeling is that they will have a terrific bond. And you are able to give them the love and attention they need. Of course I would never try to talk anyone out of having more kids, but I don't think I'll have more than 2...of course, check back with me in 10 years on that.

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    1. I always thought just 2 as well, but...I think it's because I feel pressured to make this decision given my age that I am rethinking that. I'm worried about having regrets.

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  3. As the SEVENTH child in my family, of course, I'm going to say "Go for it!!" But as a mom of an only child, I am not so sure. My "plan" was never to have only one child, but when fate intervened, I realized how grateful I was for a healthy little girl, and tried not to look back.

    Boy or girl??? Tough call. You know how to do boys...how to potty train, have clothes, know the ropes. Girls are a whole other world!! And a lot more work!! Although seeing your husband try to french braid before school might be worth it!

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    1. Yes, I am so grateful that my two little devils are healthy--that is such a blessing. (And I happen to know that your awesome "little" girl is a pretty cool kid herself!)

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  4. As one who just celebrated her "advanced maternal age" birthday, this has been on my mind a lot. We have 3 boys under 4. Once we took the goalie off the ice, our family grew quickly. We had decided that 2 would be a good number - maybe 3. Well, 2 surprises back to back and we're thinking again. There isn't a "goalie" we are comfortable using at this point for a number of reasons. I've talked to a lot of people - many grandparents. Nobody has told me they regretted having more children even though it made things difficult for a time. They have regretted not having more. We look at our budget. It's very tight. If we add another child, we will have to tighten up more. When I look at it though, it's toss-up between cable tv and dinners out and a new baby. I think we'll be having another - just hopefully not right away! :)

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    1. Lol at "taking the goalie off the ice!" My hubby will love that--he's a hockey fan. The financial aspect is a definite factor. Going from 2 to 3 means a new car, for sure. The Civic just isn't going to handle it!

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  5. I still don't know. I thought I was calling it quits at 2 but the thought of one more visits me more and more frequently these days. Such a hard decision! Good luck with yours.

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  6. I'm on the fence, but leaning more towards done. We have two wonderful boys that keep us on our toes and although I'd love a precious lil girl, I'm just not sure....yet!

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    1. That is exactly how I feel--on the fence, but leaning toward done. I'd just like to finally topple off the fence onto the "done" side so I can stop thinking about it!

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  7. This is a great topic. I drew my line years ago, and lately I wonder if I will follow through with it. I guess I just figured that once my little ones were both in school, I would focus on my own work, goals, etc - but now, I think about that new baby smell a lot! But then I think about those surges of hormones and mood swings. But then I think about the baby smell!!! Then I think about finances. Back and forth back and forth. Only time will tell and I suppose God's will will be done. I wish you the best, and I can't wait to hear what you decide :-)

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    1. Thank you, Rhonda. There are so many factors to consider--it's really a tough one. But that new baby smell is hard to turn away from!

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  8. How did I know? I could probably write three blog posts about it. Tom and I married when my son was 12. Corey has a lot of baggage, and he was birth control enough from about age four on up. Honestly, I always knew I had a daughter out there waiting for me. But when Tom and I finally came to a mutual decision not to have kids together, I figured "my" daughter was someone I was meant to help along life's path. And then a couple weeks later we had the most Ah-may-zing... vacation. And made Madelyn. I knew instantly she was a girl and I was *done*. My husband, however, started talking about the next one as soon as we confirmed a singleton pregnancy. And then there was this twinkle in his eye and, lo and behold, Fynnie. But we have no questions about whether we're done or not. I had my tubes tied when Fynnie was three months old and there are still times I worry about whether or not I'm pregnant with the same sick feeling as a high school good girl gone bad.
    (By the way, Fynnie was born seven months before my ultimate cut-off of 40, too.)

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    1. Shan, I like the idea of a daughter being someone you are meant to help along life's path and not necessarily a child of your own. That has actually given me a whole new perspective on this issue--so thank you very much!

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  9. I always wished for five children, and once I got them I was done. So it was easy. Besides, my husband wouldn't want anymore, so the decision is out of my hands. Besides which, I have so much to be thankful for already, I don't want to get greedy.

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    1. I truly understand about not wanting to get greedy. I feel the same way, with just my two! My husband is pretty sure he is done, too, so that may be the ultimate deciding factor.

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  10. If you wrote a post about it you are NOT done! Or maybe that's me projecting :) I think about it too - people think I am crazy because I have twins. You are already "adjusting" to being home - so why not?
    CUte post by the way,
    Leigh

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    1. Thank you, Leigh! Twins would have done me in a long time ago. I really admire parents of multiples.

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  11. It's just not in me. I really like my empty nest, and seeing my step-daughters off on their own doing really well. I know I have a hand in that. Being a step-mom was really challenging, and I got through it...ex-wives and all. I'm now 42, and I just know that I do not want to take that risk of hearing "Down Syndrome", and I don't want to start all over. I completely accept where I am right now, and that I am too old. Menopause is already knocking.

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    1. There are some scary parts of motherhood at this age, and I think about that a lot. Starting over with bottles and diapers (we are thisclose to getting my little guy out of diapers!!!) is daunting, as well. But, ahhh, the joy of holding a newborn. Maybe someone will rent me theirs?

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  12. I missed your blog! And yes, Tori is cray. I was actually trying for a third before I found out my ex was a pathological liar, but that is neither here nor there. I wanted one! Then one wasn't enough, then 2 wasn't enough. Something in my soul told me I was suppose to be a mom to as many kids as I could safely handle without crossing the threshold of the looney bin. I think I would still like to have more, whether it be biological or step- kids one day. Squishey babies are like puppies, they are cute when they are new so we'll buy them. I say go for it!

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    1. See, it's that whole "crossing the threshold of the looney bin" thing that is holding me back some days. My neighbors probably think I crossed that threshold long ago, with just my 2. They might not be wrong...

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  13. Now, you've got me thinking about my uterus too... I'm also hitting the big 4-0 soon, and I want to make hay while the sun shines.
    Maybe you can pray over your dilemma- if you can call it that. It'll happen when it's meant to happen, I guess. Just have fun making that baby, and we'll see how your uterus cooperates :)

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  14. So obviously I don't have a uterus but I get these same feelings all the time. We have two healthy boys and the youngest is almost five and a half now. I alway wanted three kids, I think a baby girl would be nice... At least while she is young (I have a 16 year old niece, not sure I'm ready for that). The clock I think has passed us by. I always tell people you can't regret having kids, but you can regret not having them, or something as equally profound.

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    1. I have heard that a lot, about not regretting the kids you have, just the ones you didn't have. I think the fear of that regret is what's keeping me from knowing absolutely that I am done.

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  15. i'm with that leigh girl who posted earlier in this thread. methinks that if you're writing this post, you're probably not all done.
    and you know what else i liked about this piece? you don't seem to be sweating the management of three which makes me think that you're up, sister. we have three and it was the going from one to two that nearly killed me. i was panic-stricken when i found out that i was pregnant the third time. turned out three was a cake walk. if you can do two you can do five. at least, that's my motto. of course we didn't do five. we just did the three. and that was all she wrote for my uterus.
    (and ryan gosling with a BABY?!? molly, you've outdone yourself.)

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    1. Again, I thought of you when I found that Ryan pic! The management piece is daunting, but I've heard from many people that going from 2-3 is way easier than from 1-2. That first year of having a baby and a toddler nearly did me in, too. Truly, I'm not sure what we were thinking spacing our kids so close together!

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  16. Well, I was a teenage mother. I had my first at 19. I'm currently 34 with a child that is 15 and entering Sophomore year. I *also* have a 6 year old. I've often said I never had a gap in "refrigerator art" and that's the absolute truth. I know, absolutely, with 9 years in between that I had my nostalgic time, had my second, and went OMG.... wow. I forgot about all of the craziness.

    Anywho, that's how I knew I didn't want another child.

    HOWEVER... What I wouldn't give to be pregnant again. I think many women mistake wanting to be pregnant with actually wanting a child. I would love to be a surrogate, but do I want to have a baby 24/7? Gods no. :)

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    1. I totally get that--I think it's mostly the thought of never being pregnant again that really makes me sad. I even enjoyed my second labor and delivery enough to want to do that again! It's easy to forget how hard those first weeks, months, ok years, can be.

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  17. First of all, Tori Spelling just had her 4th child with the same husband. ; ).

    Don't put the pressure of a deadline on yourself... Life is an ever-changing adventure and it's okay to change your own "rules".

    I have never known anyone who has regretted HAVING another child.


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