Crazed In the Kitchen: Why Wine and Group Exercise Classes Don't Mix   

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Why Wine and Group Exercise Classes Don't Mix


So last night I was thinking about how much I love my kids. This is something I often do when it’s 10:00 pm and they’ve both been asleep for 3 hours and I’m lying on the couch watching Glee or The Bachelorette (I’m not proud) and drinking a big ole mug of herbal tea. I love them ALL THE TIME, but it’s just soooo easy to bask in the truly awesome glory of my love for them when they are both sound asleep and not fighting over stupid stuff (“Mommy! William has my cup! That cup has my germs on it! I want my germs baaaaaaack!”).

Now I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re probably thinking, “Liar, liar, pants on fire, that was a big ole mug of chardonnay you were drinking, not herbal tea.” And normally, you’d be right. But I’ve largely given up alcohol lately. Not for any dire reason like alcoholism, but because I absolutely, positively MUST MUST MUST kick my own ass into losing some weight. And since fitting back into my whole entire wardrobe doesn’t seem to be motivation enough, I’ve decided to use alcohol as my incentive. For now, I’m giving it up. If—no, WHEN—I lose 5 pounds, I’ll have a nice glass or two of something to celebrate, then start the process over again.
 
Well, talk about motivation! The Bachelorette is just NOT the same without a teeny little wine buzz (OK, truth: The Bachelorette is just not that good without a teeny little wine buzz). So to speed the process up, I’ve also tried to give up my favorite crappy snacks and I’ve started (*gasp!*) exercising more.

Exercising more has not been as easy as I hoped it would be. It turns out I wasn’t burning many calories ambling along on a treadmill at the Y watching The View with no sound, so I turned to group exercise classes to get my butt moving a bit faster. I started by trying Zumba, but found that I looked like a chicken on ecstasy. Then I tried a Boot Camp class. That was much better. I mean, I still flop around a lot and I still find it’s better for my ego if I don’t look in the mirror much while I’m doing it, but at least I can do most of the moves without falling down. And, I sweat A LOT during Boot Camp class. I don’t mean that oh-is-it-hot-in-here? kind of sweating. I mean an embarrassing, you-can-see-the-outline-of-my-sports-bra-because-its-the-only-part-of-my-shirt-that’s-not-soaked-through-with-sweat kind of sweating. I figure that kind of sweating must equal about 9237598547 calories burned. Hooray!

As an added bonus, I’ve learned a few things since I started my Boot Camp class:

 

The first thing I’ve learned is who/what LMFAO and “I’m Sexy and I Know It” is. I had never heard that song until I heard it in class, and now I know for sure that it is both the absolutely dumbest AND catchiest song I’ve ever heard (sing it with me, “Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah!”). I hate myself just a little for loving that song.

The second thing I’ve learned from Boot Camp class is that there’s this Rihanna song about how “We found love in a hopeless place. We found love in a hoooooopeleessss plaaaaaaaaace” that will play on an endless loop in my head from the second I hear it at class on Tuesday morning until at least lunchtime on Friday. Just that one little part. Over and over and over and over again. I hate myself just a little for hating Rihanna because of it, but I do.

The third thing I’ve learned from Boot Camp class is what “Mountain Climbers” are. Mountain Climbers are what the Devil down in Hell does when he feels like he needs to lose a few pounds. You put your hands on the floor, stick your butt in the air, and alternate bringing your feet up to your hands over and over and over again. (Not coincidentally, we mostly do this to that damn Rihanna song.) I suppose this is something like climbing an actual mountain, but you can bet your sweet ass I’ve never done that. Anyway, they’re unflattering, hard to do, and I don’t much like doing them.

The fourth thing I’ve learned from Boot Camp class is that I do, indeed, have triceps, even though I can’t see them. I know they are there because every Wednesday morning I feel them burning when I do strenuous activities like lifting a coffee cup or brushing my teeth. Same with my quads. Can’t quite see them under their comfy padding, but every Wednesday I find myself wincing as I gingerly lower myself into a chair in the Y’s lobby to watch my son’s swimming lesson. People probably think I have hemorrhoids or some other horrible personal problem, but, no, it’s just Rihanna and her dastardly Mountain Climbers From Hell.

The final thing I’ve learned from Boot Camp class is that if I ever had to go to any sort of ACTUAL boot camp, like for the armed forces, I would probably not survive one day. I’m glad there are young, tough, and strong men and women who are willing and able to that and more so I can have the freedom to lie on the couch watching bad tv and eating M&Ms. Er, I mean, rice cakes. And kale chips. NOT ice cream or handfuls of Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits. Really. I swear.

Now will someone explain to me why I’m not losing any weight?

37 comments:

  1. Mountain Climbers are what the Devil down in Hell does when he feels like he needs to lose a few pounds. <<<---Seriously, I almost peed my pants laughing! I thought the LMFAO comment was funny, but that line takes the cake!

    I'm also in boot camp class.And I kind of hate it. And love it. And hate it. Mostly because I'm the only girl over 150 lbs. Bitches.... lol

    Sarah
    www.thinfluenced.com

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    1. LOL, Sarah--I love and hate boot camp too. I haven't missed a class in months, even though about midway through each class I tell myself I'm never coming back. Glutton for punishment?

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  2. ms. molly, our exhausted butts are finally back from vacation, this is the first chance i've had in what is easily a month to read you and who do i see embedded in this post? that's right: ryan. it felt like coming home all over again. thank you.

    and speaking of hell, my husband decided that my family-of-origin's home in alabama certainly qualified as one of the rings thereof. one of his reasons? that our 7-year-old could produce all of the words to "i'm sexy and i know it" after spending three straight days with her 12-year-old cousin. see how everything comes back around? : )

    now i just have to find another 10 minutes to go back and read the previous post. are you kidding me with that headline? you make me laugh.

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    1. Wendy! I admit, I thought of you when I picked that Ryan photo. I felt it had been too long since he graced my blog. To do list: Find more Ryan memes. Stat.

      As for the song, I get it. The Y's child care room is right next to the group exercise room, so they can hear the music when the door opens. My 2-year-old came out of there last week singing, "I've got the moves like Jagger," which admittedly is not as bad as "Sexy And I Know It."

      I admit--I'm a bit behind on your blog too, but that's absolutely YOUR fault for having the good sense to blog more than once every two-three weeks like I do. Pfft...overachievers. ;)

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  3. I almost choked on my jelly beans! You are hilarious! I liked to die when I saw "chicken on ecstasy" an cautiously pressed the link! LOL I will be reading the story on Brittany in a minute! I am more of a Zumba girl myself. I HATE sweat, but I love fitting into clothes. The dilemmas! Guess something has to give, thanks for the laugh! That had to be considered ab work.

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    1. I think you said it best--I also hate to sweat, but I love fitting into clothes! That will have to be my new mantra as I do those Mountain Climbers next week. Thanks for the kind words!

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  4. I have to say I am impressed. I have no desire to do boot camp. But I really do need to get into shape. As far as losing weight, it might be worth looking at what you eat, not just how much you eat/work out.

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    1. Thanks, Claire--and you're right. Giving up wine but keeping ice cream is probably not the solution to this problem!

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  5. Ugh! Mountain climbers are the devil. Good for you for trying to get in shape!
    I just re-instated my Y membership because it was going to cost more to pay fees for swimming/summer camp as a non-member than two-months of membership. So, that means I have to go to the gym by August.

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    1. Thanks! We love our Y and the kids have a great time there.

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  6. Also, Molly, your Ryan Gosling photos are the best!

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  7. LOL! So funny! good for you exercising! I need motivation I'm so unfit! x

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  8. I work at night and sleep during the day so finding time to exercise was difficult. But since I wake up around lunch time or brunch, I can squeeze in some health and fitness there. But my husband told me not to get a treadmill. Do weight lifting instead. Must burn the fats first before I run coz I might hurt myself. :D

    Visiting from vB!

    Roxi
    www.MommyRoxi.com

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    1. I feel stronger since I've started some weight training. Running is NOT for me! I understand how hard it can be to find time to exercise.

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  9. You had me WAY before M&Ms. Loved this post. Now I have to go check out chicken on ecstasy. I too need some motivation to get back out there. I'm already whining that its going to hurt and I don't even have a plan. Right now I'm saying I'll start after this bottle of wine is gone. I bought a big bottle so I have several glasses to go.

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    1. Lol at starting when the wine is gone! I totally get that.

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  10. You are doing so much better than I am. I have been going to start exercising for over a month now, but when I get home from work, if I ever sit down, I cannot get back up (and I eat M&Ms). I am definitely going to start exercising today...or tomorrow, but definitely next week :)

    Stopping by from VoiceBoks!

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    1. I am the same way about not being able to get up once I sit down! Do it--get started! I'm still eating more M&Ms than I should, but I feel great when I finish my class. Someday I'll get the eating part under control!

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  11. "I started by trying Zumba, but found that I looked like a chicken on ecstasy." ROFL!! That's exactly how I feel when trying Zumba... nicely put!

    Loved reading your post. Sounds like you are going in the right direction, your body will eventually catch up and release some pounds. But don't discount inches either, all those workouts are likely having a very positive impact!

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    1. Thank you for those encouraging words! I haven't been considering inches--maybe I'll start tracking them.

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  12. LOVE this post, Molly! Keep trying..you'll eventually find something that works for you. Boot camp is NOT for the faint of heart...and if you think Mountain Climbers are bad, have you tried burpees yet?
    Stick with it - you'll find your niche and you are ahead of the game by sticking with the effort! Let me know how I can help!! :)

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    1. Hi Laura! I actually love Boot Camp--more than Zumba for sure. And yes, burpees are way worse than Mountain Climbers--all that up and down makes me dizzy!

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  13. Maybe it's only a matter of time before you see actual results? I know I'm going to lose weight from laughing while reading this post, because you are so funny! Seriously funny!

    Boot camp must be sheer torture. Oh, and thanks for the LMFAO info. They're all over the place, but I still never really know what they're about.

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    1. Thank you! Boot camp IS torture, but fun torture. LMFAO is kind of fun torture too...hee hee.

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  14. I can totally relate to that feeling of utter love when the kids are asleep! When they just leave me alone, and don't make any demands, love overflows me.

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    1. Lol. I felt the same way as a teacher. I always felt I could get so much done if only these darn kids weren't always around!

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  15. hahahahaaaaa! This so much made my day!! You are cracking me up. Sorry about the (sometimes horrible, I know) songs getting stuck in the head but not sorry about making you sore! Keep up the good work and it is great to have you in class. :)

    love, your teacher of "fun torture"

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    1. I love the class, despite my jokes in the post! And the songs aren't horrible--thanks to you I can pretend like I know ANYTHING about modern pop. Seriously, I've been living in a preschool-music cave lately--it's nice to hear some grown-up music! (and after one class my 2-year-old in child watch told me he's got "moves like Jagger," so he's learning something too!

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  16. Think about it this way... IF you are gaining muscle mass you won't be losing weight for awhile. After kids you may have precious little muscle mass and this is your time to rebuild. That may be why you aren't losing weight but I love hearing about your journey into fitness even with little ones! It gives me hope!

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    1. You. Just. Made. My. Day.! I am getting more toned and defined--I can see it! It's just that I'm not getting much smaller. Thanks for another perspective--that gives ME hope and some encouragement to keep at it!

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  17. After reading this, I had to try the Mountain Climbers thing. Oh the burn LMAO!

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  18. Well thanks for getting the wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle stuck in my head AGAIN. I freaking hated that song and one day I'd heard it so many times I loved it. Good luck with the 5 lbs. I'm currently in a biggest loser bet with some co workers so I can relate to the no booze & how crappy my regular tv shows are now. I wanted to let you know that I'm passing along the Versatile Blogger Award on to you. You can get more info here Versatile Blogger Award

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    1. Thank you, Dawn! And you're welcome for the "wiggle wiggle wiggle." I like to spread joy and LMFAO. ;) And thank you for the award--I will get to work on it tonight! (I'm a little late checking in---sorry.)

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  19. I loved your story, so funny. I need to get that T-Rex picture for my boot-camp class LOL. Anyway, you can't exercise your way into a good body, its about 70%-80% of what you eat and 20-30 percent exercise, Sorry.

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