Crazed In the Kitchen: How to Look Like a Chicken on Ecstasy   

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

How to Look Like a Chicken on Ecstasy


So recently I tried Zumba. I’ve been thinking about trying it for a while, and for the past few weeks I’ve been lurking outside the class, sizing up the dance moves and the participants. I was a bit worried that I would be the least coordinated, most jiggly person there. See, I live in a city that is known for its Beautiful Women—here in Southern California it seems that somehow everyone is 22, tanned, and gorgeous. Except me. And, as it turns out, most of the participants in my YMCA’s Zumba class! Hooray for sassy old ladies and one middle-aged bald man!

Anyway, I snuck in just as class was starting and found a spot in the back. To my right was the lone male member of the class, who may have just been there to check out the instructor (she was hot, so I can’t totally blame him). I was a little uncomfortable at first dancing all sexy-like next to a guy, but then I remembered that I’m almost 40 and at the very tippy-top of the “healthy” section of the BMI chart…so the poor guy was probably not going to get whiplash from being around me. To my left was a Workout Queen in brand-new spotless white shoes, makeup, and a super-cute outfit. I was a little nervous about her. In situations like these, I like to be surrounded by mediocrity so I can blend in. She looked like she might just kick Zumba’s ass, leaving me and Mr. Shufflefoot in her dust.

Turns out I didn’t need to worry about her—she seemed not to like the whole sweat factor involved and left the class within 10 minutes. What I needed to be worried about was Zumba itself. Don’t get me wrong, it was a ton of fun. I jumped around with a huge smile on my face for a while. Because I wasn’t standing where I could see a mirror, I figured I looked like this:
Mmmmm...Shakira.

Or maybe this:
Britney, why can't I quit you?

I love my fantasy life.

But then something happened, we all shifted over a few feet, I’m not even sure how, and…there I was, in the mirror, Zumba-ing in living color. I realized a few things with that first glance in the mirror.

#1.  At 5’7”—which is really not all that tall—I was one of the tallest members of the class. Somehow I had found a Zumba class for munchkins. I seemed to tower over all but Mr. Shufflefoot and one or two others. This made me stand out, and I DON’T like to stand out when exercising. Never, ever, ever.
 
#2.  Turns out I don’t look like Britney or Shakira or when I Zumba. Not at all. Turns out I look like a chicken on ecstasy. A sweaty, sweaty, chicken on ecstasy. (To be fair, I haven’t ever done ecstasy so I can’t be entirely sure of how a chicken would look while on it. But I’m pretty sure that if some demented farmer gave a chicken ecstasy, it would dance around and think “Holy Hell! I look like Molly in Zumba!”)

The good news is, I’m slightly nearsighted and if I just squinted up my eyes a bit I couldn’t really see myself in the mirror. Of course, then I looked like a constipated chicken on ecstasy, but I didn’t care because I couldn’t see myself! I also couldn’t see the instructor, so I had to rely on a sassy old lady in front of me for the dance moves. I’m guessing that didn’t improve my performance, but again, with no visible image in the mirror I could assume that Me Doing Zumba =
Gratuitous second photo of Britney

 Like I said, I love my fantasy life.

38 comments:

  1. I second your fantasy life and will tell you, you looked like friggin' Britney out there if you tell me my pasty whiteness resembles a glow like Nicole Kidman. I prefer Yoga, alone, where I can perfect my pose, dance was never my thing...I probably would've started doing the running man and been banned from the Y.

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    1. Cari, dance is not my thing either, though I really enjoy doing it. Same with singing. I have always maintained that a person's skill in a subject should match their enthusiasm. Then I'd be an AWESOME singer and dancer! And I've always thought you looked just like Nicole Kidman. ;)

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  2. When I added my home gym my contractor asked if I wanted mirrors on my wall. I told him, "Heck, no. I'm not stupid enough to ask 'Who's the fairest of them all?' as I know it's not me & why would I want to see myself huffing & puffing & sweating like a pig?"

    Very funny post! I love your blog. Makes me laugh every time.

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    1. Thanks, Kenny! I agree, mirrors are no good in most places of physical activity. Anywhere.

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  3. OMG...this is HYSTERICAL!!! I'm barely over 50 :) and have also attempted a Zumba class. They should ban mirrors from ANY.TYPE.OF.EXERCISE.CLASS!!!

    A "tip" given to my girlfriend..."it may be easier when you're starting to just either move your arms or legs...not both." Seriously...thanks for the advice b*tch! LOL!

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    1. I'm going to remember that advice the next time I try Zumba. I pretty much did it anyway--I just flapped my arms around and clapped randomly, hoping to catch a move by sheer luck!

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  4. Hysterical!!! I completely understand the So Cal look being that I grew up in Santa Monica... Living in LA found me on a constantly working out, whether I liked it or not! I traded my beach clothes for a cowboy hat a little over three years ago and recently found myself at the Y taking a zumba class. We must have attended identical classes... after being an aerobics queen for so many years, I found myself tripping over my feet here and there! BUT boy did I sweat!! Your story made me feel like I wasn't the only one feeling the same. Thank you!

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    1. You're welcome! Even though I looked crazy, I have to say I sweat through my shirt in about 15 minutes. So I have decided that means I burned 2,000 calories in an hour. Again, fantasy life...

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  5. Too funny!! I know exactly how you feel, though. If I ever get well enough to exercise, I'm going to try Zumba and now I know exactly what I will look like - a chicken on ecstasy lol!! Great post ;-)

    Visiting from members to remember!

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  6. I LOVE Zumba! The classes that are offered here don't jive with my childcare sitch so I am thinking about getting some CDs. Love shaking my money maker...even more when no one is watching.

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    1. It never occurred to me to get a CD--I may have to do that, too. I can't make most of the classes in my area for the same reason. I'm sure my kids would love the show!

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  7. I want to Zumba one day. I tried it with the xbox but both sons made fun of me. As soon as I can get my little guy well and out of my house and back to school maybe I will give it another go.
    I am sure you looked wonderful, I mean chickens are cute aren't they?

    Pam

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    1. Thank you! I think chickens are kind of cute...maybe. Baby chickens, for sure. I'd settle for looking like a cute little baby chicken. On ecstasy.

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  8. But at least you are doing it. Good for you.

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    1. Thank you! We'll see if I make it to another class...

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  9. great post!! Stopping by from VB today :)

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  10. OK, a "Chicken on Ecstacy" totally got my attention (wish I'd thought of that one)! At least you had the guts to try Zumba, I "chickened" out...I did the yoga classes, though, thinking they would be easy. NOT! I must be getting old-er! I think I'll stick to dancing (and yoga) in the safety and privacy of my living room, thank you very much!0)

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    1. Yoga is killer. I also have the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD, which I have done exactly once and it kicked my a$$. I guess it might get easier if I kept at it...easier said than done!

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  11. Seriously, you're a riot!
    I read this last night, but did not know how to comment from my phone. So I came back, and read it again..It cracked me up again!
    That may or may not have something to do with the fact that I go to Zumba class, and go to great lengths to avoid looking in the mirror every time..

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    1. Thank you! Now I know just to avert my eyes...

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  12. This is really funny. And this is exactly why I will most likely not try Zumba or any work out routine that requires a bit of dancing. I will look like an idiot haha

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    1. Thanks! And I say, go for it. I looked like an idiot, but I had a TON of fun.

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    2. At least that's what counts right? All the FUN you had, well then, am happy for you :)

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  13. I LOVE your Fantasy! I did yoga a couple of times at the gym but I couldn't get past seeing myself in the mirror. I live in So Cal too and EVERYONE in the yoga class is fit and strong but me. I am gonna try Yoga with the wii. then No one will have to look at me especially me.

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    1. Ha. So Cal living is the reason I will NEVER do yoga classes in a private studio setting. The Y is the great equalizer...

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  14. As women, I think we're all entitled to our own little fantasy world :)

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    1. Oh, yes. Mine also involves Ryan Gosling. Just saying.

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  15. Hello.... coming by via Voiceboks! Congrats on being featured.. hope you can droop me an email .. I would like to share some offers with you.

    reanact@gmail.com

    Thanks!
    Claire

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  16. Darling,
    I'm POSITIVE you must have looked like Britney... hey, what can I say... I like to live the fantasy life too! Thanks for the giggles my Dear... xoxo

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  17. "In situations like these, I like to be surrounded by mediocrity so I can blend in." OMG -- does that perfectly sum up my philosophy about group exercise! After 6 years, I've built up just enough yoga confidence that it's unthinkable I'd leave my comfort zone and try something like Zumba ;)!

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  18. I loved yoga when I did it, and I would like to get back into it. I must say the whole certain-poses-that-seem-to-lead-to-passing-gas aspect of yoga kinda scares me off. I had an embarrassing moment in a yoga class years ago that scarred me...;)

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  19. I am in tears! You are hilarious! I need that in a you tube video! It can be a re-enactment. That story could win something at the Sundance! You are FUNNY! Thanks for sharing! Now next time I go to Zumba I will not be able to hold in my laughter as I think I'm rocking it like Jlo! LOL!

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    1. Thank you! And no no no no NO NONONONO there will be no youtube of me doing Zumba! EVER! It's one thing to think I look like Shakira or Britney, but let me tell you--I definitely did NOT. Thanks for stopping by!

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  20. That was funny. I haven't jumped on the zumba bandwagon. i would definitely want to learn the moves in the privacy of my own house. I'm might blend in height at 5'5" but my lack of coordination might give somebody whiplash from looking/gasping and saying "WT!"

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    1. Lol. I'm thinking about getting a Zumba dvd for the same reason. Might be more fun with the windows closed and the shades drawn!

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