Remember that talking Barbie doll that caused a media
firestorm a while back because one of the several phrases she uttered was,
“Math is hard?” I stomped around with everyone else condemning Mattel for
peddling such a bad role model to young girls. But secretly, I wanted to give
poor beleaguered Barbie a high five and say to her, “Rock on, sister, with your
bad math self. We gorgeous, long-legged, mathematically-impaired blondes need
to band together!” (Yeah, ok, so I’m not gorgeous, long-legged, or blonde. But
I

*am*bad at math. And I do lead a rich fantasy life.)
Like Barbie, I have never been a math whiz. In college I
took a class that students jokingly called “Math for Trees,” because even a
tree could pass it. Well, I’m proud to say that I did indeed pass “Math for
Trees,” but barely. JUST barely. Since then, however, I have managed to get
through life just fine with my mediocre math skills. I balanced my checkbook,
back when checkbooks were a thing. I double recipes with relative ease. I even

*taught*math to poor, unsuspecting 8-year-olds for years, and did a damn fine job at it.T-shirt from neatoshop.com |

Then I became a mom. And I discovered a secret sub-field of
mathematics so tricky, so insidiously nonsensical, that I doubt even a math
genius with a full night’s sleep could crack it. When I try to describe the
mathematical challenges I face each day, they sound like those dreaded story
problems I hated as a kid, but with a maniacal twist. For example:

·
Let’s say you have had just 3 hours of sleep,
thanks to a sick toddler. And let’s say you absolutely MUST stay awake later
than your children (pesky buggers have to be tucked in and all that). If you
drank your first cup of coffee at 5:30 am, at what times throughout the day
should you drink MORE cups of coffee so that you can be awake enough not to do
something that lands you on the evening news but also tired enough to fall into
a dead slumber at 8:30 pm?

·
If your child has a diaper rash that requires
Desitin cream, how many times after applying the Desitin must you wash your
hands to get rid of the smell?

·
A toy comes with 20 marbles. Child A takes 7
marbles into a closet (why??), loses 5 and finds 2. Child B takes 8 marbles
into the bathroom (WHY???), loses 7 but finds 3. The cats chase probably 3 but
maybe as many as 5 marbles under the stove. How many marbles do you have now? How
long before you lose ALL your marbles completely?

·
Now let’s talk about Girl Scout cookies. If a = the
number of Samoas in a box, and b = the number of people in my family, and c = the
number of cookies I want to eat, and d = the number of cookies I can realistically
blame my brother-in-law for eating on his last visit, then how do I calculate
how many cookies I can eat with my glass of chardonnay tonight while still
leaving enough for my family members to each have one and not be mad at me?

·
Speaking of Girl Scout cookies, how many pounds
can you gain before having to buy larger jeans? How does your answer change if
you give up on jeans and just wear yoga pants? What if you wear yoga pants with
a long shirt tied around your waist?

·
If Child A needs to take 5 milligrams of Amoxicillin
for an ear infection two times a day and Child B needs to take 7 grams of Amoxicillin
for HIS ear infection one time a day, how do you keep track of who has taken
how much medicine from which bottle and when? If you screw it up, what
percentage chance do you have of creating a “Superbug” that is resistant to all
antibiotics and will plague all the juvenile residents of your home with repeat
ear infections throughout the entire winter? If you do manage to get all the doses right, what percentage
chance is there that everyone will STILL get repeat ear infections all winter?

·
And speaking of antibiotics, exactly how many
doses of Amoxicillin must a two-year-old take before his digestive tract
revolts and you must buy stock in Clorox wipes and laundry detergent?

·
Finally, if you and your husband want to eat
Trader Joe’s Sweet and Sour Chicken that needs to cook for 20 minutes at 425
degrees, but your children insist on Trader Joe’s Breaded Chickenless Nuggets
that need to cook for 15 minutes at 350 degrees, how on earth do you get your family fed on time and all at once without spending more than 5 minutes
standing in front of the stove holding two boxes of frozen food wondering WTF
you learned in Math for Trees that you still can’t figure this out?

If you know the answer to any of these questions, please
let me know. I’ll be over here scraping charred Breaded Chickenless Nuggets into
the trash. Again.

LOL! What a great post.

ReplyDeleteAnd also, the reason why I bothered to pay attention in math at all. :o

Lol--thanks!

DeleteGreat post!! Had me giggling. Ugh...math. I've donet hat last bit of math a few times with the oven...drives me batty!

ReplyDeleteThey really should include a handout on that in the folder of stuff they give you in the maternity ward.

Deleteanswer to bullet point the last: because this stuff is way harder than the material offered up for consumption (and computation) in math for trees, that's why there's no way you can spend less than five minutes working this real-life problem out!

ReplyDeleteyou make me laugh. but truth: i missed your rogues gallery of hot pediatricians. maybe next time? : )

Lol--more hot pediatricians as soon as I can find them!

DeleteLol! This was hysterical. I need to do more mommy math!!!

ReplyDeleteThank you!

DeleteOMG, girl I am loling. Everytime I read you get more hilarious. I am a sucktastic mathematician, think I sat by you in math for trees....but, I can tell you exactly how many glasses of wine will make everything okay before I snap:) That's all Mama needs to know.

ReplyDeleteAh, yes...the golden rule of chardonnay.

DeleteYou had me at the George Clooney picture. ;P

ReplyDeleteROTFLMAO funny...obviously all true cause there's absolutely NO WAY anybody could make this stuff up.

BTW...Cheers!

Great post!! I had an extra giggle because just today my 8 year old asked me.....hoe many axis of symmetry does a trapezium have.......what???

ReplyDeleteLOL--see, THAT sounds like 3rd grade math and THAT I can do! (Though I have to admit to not being entirely sure what a trapezium is)

DeleteThis was really good:) I'm bad at math too. Somehow, I have managed through life without it, but I agree with Barbie totally!;)

ReplyDeleteBrilliant post, so, so true!

ReplyDeleteThank you!

DeleteHAHAHA! You just described my life! Thank you for reminding me all us mothers are trying to decipher the same math rules ;-)

ReplyDeleteI'm glad to know I'm not alone!

Deletehahahaha - oh heavens too funny. The last one did me in though. lol

ReplyDeleteI have done that very thing many times. I would love to have a double oven so I wouldn't deal with that math problem any more.