Crazed In the Kitchen: Did I Marry Mr. Wrong?   

Monday, March 12, 2012

Did I Marry Mr. Wrong?


I came to an unsettling realization recently: I married the wrong man.

Don’t get me wrong—I love my husband. A lot. He is my best friend, my soul mate, an amazing dad, the whole package. But there’s just no denying that marrying him was a huge mistake. Another man would have been a better choice.

I should have married a pediatrician.

One of my all-time favorite pediatricians.
Think of all the worry I could have avoided! All the questions I could have had answered with no copay or waiting! Like, does my one-year-old wake up 5 times a night, every freakin’ night, because something is wrong with him OR because he’s a pain in the butt? And, is my preschooler hearing impaired or do all kids his age talk so loudly they scare the cats? If I had just married a pediatrician, the whole why-is-my-newborn’s-poop-dark-brown-instead-of-yellow-like-the-books-say-it-should-be fiasco would have just been a sentence in our parenting story, rather than a whole chapter. If I had married a pediatrician, the latest period of our lives—The Ear Infection Epoch—would have involved a lot less time watching Toy Story 2 in 20-minute increments in the doctor’s waiting room. (I think I have now technically seen the whole movie, in jumbled up bits and pieces.)

BUT…on the other hand, we are lucky to have access to good pediatricians. We have health insurance for ourselves and our kids, so seeing a doctor doesn’t necessarily break the bank. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom for now, so we don’t have to rearrange work schedules to get the kids seen.

Hmmmmm….

Never mind. Forget marrying a pediatrician. I should have married a veterinarian.

Chris O'Donnell--hot vet on Grey's Anatomy
Again, think of all the worry I could have avoided! All the questions I could have had answered without paying outrageous fees or having to shove snarling balls of furry fury into the cat carriers! Like, should I worry when my cat sits in the corner staring at the blank wall like there’s something there? And, really truly what is a normal number of times for a cat to barf in a week? If I had just married a veterinarian, maybe he’d have some idea about how to deal with the girl cat—a gorgeous, long-haired calico who is also a raging b*tch who won’t let anyone but me and, inexplicably, just one of my two sisters, get near her. (Since that sister lives about 2,000 miles away, she can’t be relied upon to help with fun things like applying flea medicine and cleaning the cat’s, um, “bikini area,” which the cat is too fat to groom properly. How great is that?)

But wait. My cat hates everyone. She stares daggers at my kids and hisses at my actual husband whenever he dares to get within 10 feet of her. Who’s to say she’d be friendlier to my fantasy veterinarian-husband? He’d still probably have to use general anesthesia to so much as listen to her heart, like my actual veterinarian has to do. While I’m sure we’d get a family discount on the drugs, there’s only so much of that stuff he could give away for free. And I’d still be risking life and limb (OK, mostly just fingers) every time I had to get Her Highness into the carrier.

(Are you thinking right now, “Um, Molly? It’s the 21st century. Why are you bemoaning the fact that you didn’t marry into all this expertise when you could just as well have become a pediatrician or veterinarian yourself?” Well, you just may have a point there…)

Hmmmmm….

Good news, everyone! It turns out I married the right man! He is funny, tall, smart, kind, and just about all-around wonderful, despite his woeful lack of medical expertise—either human or veterinarian. (Did I say handsome? I meant to say handsome. WOW, is he handsome. I should have said that first. Babe, if you’re reading this—whoo hoo! Are you a handsome devil!) I am a very lucky woman. After all, who else is married to a man who explains to our kids why our toilet clogs by making up a game called “Big Poop, Little Poop?” Who else is married to a man who—thanks to his Xbox and a fervent love of sci fi—could keep us all safe during a zombie apocalypse? Who else is married to a man who has managed to ensure that our sons’ favorite songs are by Creedence Clearwater Revival, rather than Raffi? Turns out I am very lucky, indeed.



Oh yeah. Since I’ve decided to keep him, I guess that means I need to come up with a gift for our fifth wedding anniversary later this month. Anyone have any fabulous ideas to show the man of my life how much I appreciate him?

47 comments:

  1. You got my attention with the title;) so I hopped over ! Good read ! Funny ! George is one my fav peads too. Used to watch Chicago Hope just coz of him!!

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  2. Lol! What a fun post! I swore I'd marry an accountant so I wouldn't have to do my taxes. My hubby is an accountant, so he's definitely perfect.;)

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    1. Oooohhh...accountant is a good one. I didn't think of that!

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  3. great post! love it. The grass is not greener on the other side. The pedi and vet wives are probably saying they married the wrong man too. The "why couldn't I have married a normal guy that people don't call all hours of the night." kind of thing. hahaha

    Have 5th!

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    1. That's true. My hubby's a writer and he has yet to have to be on-call overnight or field calls from hysterical clients at 2 am!

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  4. Haha! Loved it and Happy Anniversary to you and your hubs. Oh, and since you've decided to keep him, I'll take Clooney up there.

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    1. Hmmmm....Sorry, Cari. Even though I'm keeping my guy, I've decided to keep George too. You can have Chris O'Donnell, but back off George and Ryan Gosling, too, for good measure. Mine, mine, mine.

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  5. If you really married a pediatrician, you probably wouldn't believe him since the role of "husband" trumps the role of "pediatrician." If you really were married to one, the title of this post would have been "I Should Have Married a Woman Pediatrician"

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    1. You might be right about issues like sleep training, where opinions and tastes vary. But I really would have liked to have a pediatrician in the house when both my boys woke up sobbing with what I later learned were double ear infections. Though the immediate treatment--ibuprofen--wouldn't have changed, to me it always feels better to know more about what's going on than less. I checked out your blog--love it!

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    2. Thanks! And of course I was only a tenth serious. A better option for future parents might be live-in pediatricians. Isn't it funny that we as parents have the entire internet at our disposal, and it isn't worth a hill of beans when our kids have a fever and are throwing up at 3am. Yahoo! Answers just does not equal a good kid's doc.

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  6. Lol--a live-in pediatrician would be awesome. I'm embarrassed to admit that the second thing I did on ear-infection night--after doling out pain meds--was to sit with my sad kids on my lap googling "ear infections" on my laptop. All that did was freak me out that their eardrums might rupture, which sounds like just about the worst thing that could happen to one's ear. Also, Dr. Google helpfully told me that there's not much to do other than give pain meds. Great.

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  7. Oh, I love George Clooney! I'd marry him in an instant.
    Sometimes I think I wish I was a pediatrician :) That would save me a whole lot of paranoia.

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    1. I alllllmost bought one of those $10 things at the drug store to let you look in your own kids' ears. I figure, if I have half a clue what to look for, I could probably tell if things are good or not and THEN decide if we should see the ped. Now that I mention it, I may still buy one...That's almost like being a pediatrician, right?

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  8. Lol!! Very cute! I've always thought marrying a plumber would have been a good idea, but alas, I too married a writer. A very good decision, though you are right it would be nice to have an expert close at hand! Congratulations on your anniversary!

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    1. Thank you!! A plumber is another good idea...I married a writer too. He keeps me laughing, which is nice!

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  9. LOL, i thought you were about to pour your heart out about how you were going to leave him. Cute post :)! I should have married a vet after my dog issues! xxxx

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    1. I got a little worried about sharing this post with my facebook friends. I thought my in-laws might think the same thing!

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  10. I tend to lose my train of thought so I'm at the end of the pediatrician part. You made me flashback to doctors visits where the splash screen of the DVD is looping. So you get the same music, voices and menu. It seems like no one is annoyed but me and if there was a play button somewhere I would fix it. UGH. That's my 2cents annoyance. Going to go look at the cute vet guy now.

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    1. The last time we were at the ped the same thing happened. I very nicely asked the not-busy (that I could tell) receptionist to press play, she very nicely said she would, and then nothing happened. Blech. Good thing I bring my ipod touch to the doctor now--at least one kid is happy then!

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  11. I love it! Well good thing you're keeping your husband because George still won't commit! LOL

    Congratulations on your anniversary! Since it's been 5 years, you should give him five things that represent memories for each year of your marriage...

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    1. George has it made--he won't commit, but gorgeous women sure keep trying! Thanks for a great idea!

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  12. I was a little nervous for your husband! And the rumor is the Zombies are coming 12/21/12 so you are one lucky duck. You should take your husband on a timeline of your lives together. The places where important events happened in your life thus far. Good luck!

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    1. LOL--maybe I'll start a new blog where I interview my hubby about zombie survival skills in preparation for the big date. I could do give-aways of pepper spray and stuff like that. ;) Thanks for another great idea!

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  13. Congratulations on your anniversary!
    a very cute post loved it thanks for sharing

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  14. See I got side tracked. I'm back hours later to say WHAT? That's Chris O'Donnell and he's on Grey's? I might have to start watching again.

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    1. Yep, Chris O'Donnell was on Greys as a vet, but a whiiiiile ago. I think Meredith dated him when she was broken up with McDreamy and there was some season-ending cliff-hanger scene where she had to choose between them. OBVIOUSLY, she should have chosen a vet, or started playing for the other team and dated Arizona, the hot pediatrician. What are the odds she or her kids will need a neurosurgeon? Slim!

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  15. I thought that no matter what their profession at home they are NO good at it! LOL! All that greatness deserves a new XBox game! Or whatever works to make him smile ":) LOL Happy Anniversary

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  16. Goodness, I knew I was behind on my Grey's episodes but it looks like I need to get caught up! Chris O'Donnell...really? Mmmmm... Well, you know what they say...the grass is always greener on the other side. Except when it's not. :) I've always thought it would have been nice to marry McSteamy, but after ten years with my hubby, like you, I think I'll keep him. He's really good for me.

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    1. Chris O'Donnell was on Grey's a really long time ago. But I don't forget him easily!

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  17. You're hilarious! Loved this blog! You would make a great homeschool mom and should really think about it. It's been a joyful journey for the most part. Enjoy the baby years, the kids get big so fast!

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  18. Hehe... awesome post! I actually spent a good five minutes staring at that picture of George Clooney going..."wait, that's what he looked like back then? I don't remember those crazy eyebrows!" But I digress...

    I'm stopping by from the funny mamas group at voiceBoks! We're starting a new strategy for increasing traffic and getting great comments, so I'm popping over to show you some love, girlfriend! Awesome post...thanks for the laughs! Have a great weekend!

    Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood

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    1. Um, I think you mean "crazy, SEXY eyebrows," right?? ER was my intro to George, and I've never been the same since...

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  19. I should have married an auto mechanic.

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    1. Another good one! There was a point last year where being married to an auto mechanic would have saved me a lot of time and money!

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  20. My husband is in love with his remote controlled flying helicopter, which he flies right into my head, any chance he gets!;) Maybe yours would want one?

    Would you like to write up a Mr. Darcy story about your husband as a guest post on our blog? We collect them here...
    http://www.mommyladyclub.com/p/mr-darcy.html
    Let me know if you're interested?
    Courtney
    ladyladuke@ladyladuke.com

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    1. He actually has one of those helicopters, and he and the boys love it! I try to fly it once in a while and it goes straight up into the ceiling, then crashes to the floor or on top of anyone unlucky enough to be standing under it.

      Expect an email soon!

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  21. It sounds like you picked the right husband after all! Loved reading this, very funny.

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  22. Your story is too funny. You already know you got the right one, but you better think about that aniversary gift LOL. Maybe, if he has a special hobby work around that. But really, this was a great post, have a good one.

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  23. what a cute post, your husband must be a real "keeper" to let you post that. lol Visiting from voiceboks

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  24. I've had all those thoughts before! Thankfully though, my husband is a jack-of-all-trades of source--vet, pediatrician, mechanic, musician, cook, second mother (Haha) and more! I got lucky, and sounds like you did, too! Congrats on your 5th anniversary!
    Ang
    PS My youngest daughter, who is 2, didn't "paint" the pictures with glue herself--I did that for her. She just painted over them when they were dry, with water colors.
    Have a great rest of the week!

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