Crazed In the Kitchen: Mommy? No! I Am...VAGINA PERSON!   

Friday, March 8, 2013

Mommy? No! I Am...VAGINA PERSON!

You are a poopy stinky butt!

Well, not YOU, exactly. Really, more like everyone. Everyone is a poopy, stinky butt.

According to my four-year-old, that is.

The Stinker has entered a lovely phase—The Potty Talk phase. Sometime in the last few months, he discovered that toilet talk is not just regular funny, like he thought it was before. Toilet talk, it turns out, is over-the-top, spit-milk-through-your-nose, fall-on-the-floor-with-your-friends-laughing funny.
Do you know how hard it was to find an appropriate picture for this post?

My first response to the potty talk was a huge mistake: I told him to stop it. Talk about adding fuel to the fire! Now poop is hilarious AND Mommy doesn’t much like it! Let’s just say the resulting verbal poo-splosion was epic. If he wasn’t talking about poop, pee, or penises it was only because he was cackling maniacally at his own genius.

But then, things got even worse. He took it up a notch: He discovered the word “Vagina.” And oooooohhhhh does my boy love to say “vagina.” He uses it creatively, throughout the day, in a wide variety of situations. For example: I am no longer “Mommy”—I am “Vagina Person.” As in, “HEY! VAGINA PERSON! LOOK! THIS STORE SELLS HOT WHEELS!! CAN I HAVE ONE, VAGINA PERSON?? CAN I? CAN I???” Another fun example: He made up a Vagina song, which he then taught to his younger brother. It goes like this: “Vagina! Vagina! Beautiful vagina! Vagina! Vagina! Let’s talk about vagina!” They like to march around the house singing it when the UPS guy stops by to drop off a package or when I’m on the phone with the pediatrician’s office.

The good news is that I have managed to contain the madness:  He doesn’t break out the potty talk at preschool, according to his teacher (that was a fun conversation). But the effort to hold in all those “vaginas” and other potty words during school hours is apparently monumental—as soon as I close the car door at pick-up time, he lets loose with a violent stream of 4-year-old profanity that sends his brother into fits of giggles and makes me want to bang my head against the steering wheel until I no longer care.

The other good news, I guess, is that neither of my boys has managed to pick up any “real” profanity…yet. They truly believe that the worst word on earth is “stupid” and I hope to keep it that way for as long as I can. Because I can just imagine the day that they discover actual curse words—it will be like a whole new world has opened before them. A world filled with ways to embarrass and humiliate Mommy. A world strewn with shocked and horrified grandparents and teachers. A world where Mommy can no longer go to Target without suffering the judgmental stares of her fellow shoppers.

And a world without Target is not a world I want to live in.


Vagina Person
(No joke: Do a Google image search of "vagina person" and about 5 photos from my blog come up, including this one. OF ME.)

(Oh, but also? You probably don't want to do a Google image search of "vagina person." Trust me on this one.)

37 comments:

  1. I literally laughed out loud! Just what I needed this morning!

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  2. The optimist in me says that maybe you have a budding ob/gyn on your hands. :)

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    1. That would be awesome....Either way I'm hoping this fascination subsides before he hits puberty or we are In Trouble. But really I'm mostly hoping this fascination ends before he enters kindergarten!

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  3. LOL!!! My 2.5 year old has started to use Butt a lot. However, I'll take that over Vagina Person. I must say tho - kinda impressed with the song! Very creative ;) Hang in there, let's hope the really bad words hold off until Jr High!!

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    1. Oh, "butt"is a big one around here, too. Probably second after "vagina." *sigh*

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  4. HAHAHAHA!! You are funny, vagina person! That made me laugh.

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    1. :) You know, recently I was upgraded to "Captain Vagina" and I actually much prefer that. But it hasn't stuck.

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  5. OMG. This post has me laughing so hard, my poor stretched . . . you know . . . is really about to cause me some problems. You are hysterical!! Especially the end!

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    1. I hate to admit that I can relate, but...yeah. Thank you!

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  6. My 8yo daughter is still under the impression that one of the very worst things to say is "shut up"... but recently I did have to explain that she shouldn't use the Lord's name because it hurts his feelings and makes her nana angry: "That music is way to loud! JESUS!" she shouted from the living room as I was dancing around, cooking dinner in the kitchen. Captain Vagina, indeed. lolz!!! :)

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    1. I'm glad to hear she has made it to 8 without learning "real" swears--there's hope for my family yet!

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  7. This is cute but why is "vagina" worse than "penis"?

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    1. Oh, vagina is in no way "worse" than penis around here. But for some reason, it's a lot funnier. I have no idea why. All I can figure is that it's either because it literally sounds kind of funny (???) or because there are so many penises in our house and just one vagina. Believe me, "penis" gets a lot of play, but for whatever reason it just isn't as much fun to say (scream, sing) as "vagina."

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    2. My theory: it's because mom has a vagina, so they enjoy your embarrassement every time they say it.

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  8. Oh, that's hilarious! I guess I also am a vagina person. Luckily, my daughter hasn't been talking like that yet. Now I know how to handle it :)

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    1. Hopefully she won't ever enter this lovely phase!

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  9. LOL! This post had me rolling! Thanks for sharing...I really miss the days when that was "potty" language to my kids too.

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    1. I always try to appreciate what I have--I hate to think when the next and "worse" phase comes along. This one is getting really old!

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  10. Kids say the darnest things which are meant to make our lives interesting. After all laughter is the best medicine. My loves to say "I eat, I poop" or he runs up to us and tells me "I poop" even if he is just wet. He is 21 months old and I can't image life without his cute sayings.

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    1. It's true--and part of why I blog. So I can remember all the cute things my boys say and do!

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  11. So hard resisting checking out vagina person on google. LOL. You post cracked me up. Out little guy is almost 3 - I can only imagine the embarrassing things he'll say!

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    1. He's learning quickly from his brother, unfortunately!

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  12. Whao.. 4 yrs old really say the weirdest things.. Hope it is just a passing phase.

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  13. Ohhhh my goodness. May I say, I'm glad I'm past this stage!

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    1. Nice to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

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  14. Occassionally I get comments that kids get worse with potty talk with the Silly Creatures. Yes, they poop and they have a vagina too. But usually when kids are introduced to the Silly Creatures before they start potty talk, they never develop it so badly. Why? Because they find those things so normal and part of everyday life that there is really nothing to laugh about. Also, the whole family has heard it enough in a functional way, no way to embarrass mom at the store, so no fun to keep repeating them.

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    1. I'll have to check out Silly Creatures. Never heard of them!

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  15. When my now 12 year old was 2 he suddenly started using the phrase "dumb ass" to refer to people when they did stupid things. He was using it in the correct context, but we could not for the life of us figure out where he picked it up.
    Ends up when he was up at 2AM for a breathing treatment I had a commedian on and they don't bleep "dumb ass" at 2AM.
    I hate to admit it, but it was really funny.
    And, I don't want to depress you, but all of this potty humor, at least in my experience, returns to their repertoire when they hit teenagerness.

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    1. Lol. I guess I should have known. My hubby is proof that men never really outgrow potty humor!

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  16. OMG! You are so funny! I love the way you wrote this! My four year old son has also learned some potty talk, of course always at the dinner table! Head banging for sure. Thankfully it hasn't come out in public yet! I know the day will come, but I'm thankful for now!

    I'm stumbling this and sharing on facebook! Too funny not to!!

    Would love for you to stop by and check my blog out sometime!


    Heather from Mommy Only Has 2 Hands

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  17. It's so hilarious when they do this, and you can't laugh to encourage them, huh. That is funny about Google searches...yikes though too!;)

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  18. I thought you were kidding about not doing a Google search of "(that word) person", so I did it, and I did NOT like what I saw. I think there must be dozens of inappropriate, nudie girl websites out there. Anyway, I like your blog.

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    1. Yeah, it was a bit disturbing. I pretty much knew it was a bad idea to go there--now I never have to do it again!

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