Crazed In the Kitchen: Out of the Rat Race and Into the Poop Race   

Friday, April 13, 2012

Out of the Rat Race and Into the Poop Race


Two years ago I took a leave of absence from my full-time job teaching 3rd grade. No more papers to grade, administrators to impress, lessons to plan. I could—and often did—spend all day in my jammies (and by “jammies” I mean “crappy old flannel pants and spit-up-covered t-shirt because SOMEONE around here forgot to do laundry again. Oh wait, that was me.”) My commute went from 18 miles each way to a slow crawl to the coffee pot each morning. In a lot of ways, life became less hectic. But it took me just a few weeks at home with a newborn and an almost-two-year-old to realize I had left the Rat Race—and entered the Poop Race.

Ryan Gosling pix make it ok to blog about poop.

I knew that being a stay-at-home mom would mean that I would end up taking on most of the poop duty (heh heh, I said doody). At first I embraced my role as Head Diaperer. I spent hours and hours researching cloth diapers, and I organized all our diapering supplies in cute little baskets. I had two boys in diapers at that time—and, as it turned out, would for almost another whole year—so keeping track of diapers both clean and dirty took up a decent amount of my waking hours.

(Probably no one needs to know that I have, on occasion, dreamed about those cloth diapers at night—right?)

Anyway, fast forward two years and, yes, my kids are older, but I’m still in the thick of the Poop Race. In fact, I realized not long ago that I am the Primary Butt-Wiper for FOUR out of the six living creatures in our house (4 human, 2 feline). Do the math and you may get worried—do my hubby and I have one of THOSE relationships? No. No no no no no no no no no no. And no. But me and one of my cats apparently do, because she is either too fat or too lazy to take care of business herself and so I have been instructed by my possibly-crazy vet to go after her tushie with a baby wipe once a day.

(Um, that has actually happened maybe three times in the three months that have passed since he suggested it. It just almost never makes it to the top of my priority list, for some reason. Things I would rather do than wipe my cat’s ass: as many loads of laundry as I can possibly find in the house, scrub the kitchen sink with bleach and a toothbrush, read Goodnight Moon 3985239854798 more times—you get the picture.)

One more...
And the thing about poop in our house is that it always seems to happen in a when-it-rains-
it-pours kind of way—one enormous, awful Poop Storm. Here’s how a typical day goes: At some point, my 2-year-old informs me that he has a poopy diaper. This sets off some sort of physiological trigger in my 4-year-old, who then races for the bathroom. Before I can even finish changing William’s diaper, Matthew is yelling from the bathroom, “Mooooooommmmmyyyy!! I poooooooooped!” Translation: “I will sit here screaming about it until the neighbors call the cops or you come wipe me!” I finish up with William, and head for Matthew. As I’m finishing up with him, one of my cats saunters into the bathroom and heads for the litter box—he might as well have a freakin’ newspaper tucked under his arm! That means that within minutes I’ll be scooping HIS poop too if I don’t want all of us to live in a foul cloud of stink.

So. Much. Poop.

The good news is that we have avoided many of the more awful-sounding poop problems that parents of young kids often face. Neither of my children has so much as dabbled in the poop-as-art-on-the-wall movement, and no one poops in the tub anymore. We have so far avoided the stomach flu altogether in our house (though I probably just jinxed it, right?), and…
Special bonus George/Ryan double treat. You're welcome.

And…

Crap. I can’t think of another example. I’m too caught up in worrying that writing about how we’ve never had the stomach flu means we’re now all going to get the stomach flu. And what that will mean for me in terms of cleaning and laundry and my beloved cloth diapers.

Better go. Time to stock up on Clorox wipes and Pedialyte!

20 comments:

  1. Wow, they are keeping you busy. Keep well and I can relate to those days. Visiting from VB and happily following :) Enjoy your weekend!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! "Busy" is exactly it. ;)

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  2. (hey, girl, i just got back from a run to the grocery store with a box of baby wipes and a gallon of pedialyte--all for you.)

    oh, ms. molly, let me tell you a little story. it's the one where my oldest began going through what i like to call his impressionist, poop-on-the-wall phase. it was not okay. i thought i would lose my mind or end ours together in some sort of poop-story of fury. my sister, listening to my story long distance, figured out that my son was probably bored and should be moved out of his crib into a large bed. she was right and we survived but i shudder to look back on those days.

    i tell you this only to say that NO ONE has it harder than the stay-at-home mom of children who still require any sort of direct attention to their butts. no one. and i'm willing to arm wrestle anyone who says different.

    peace and clean butts to you, friend molly!

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    1. Thank you, Wendy! Avoiding the poop-on-the-wall phase is seriously one of the reasons we probably won't have any more kids. Why mess with a good thing? And so far, so good on the stomach flu front...fingers crossed.

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  3. Did you say something? Too busy looking at the Gosling pics and the holy grail, Clooney and Gosling?!?! *click..print* So you said something about poop, I vaguely remember. I have two kids, both were in diapers at the same time, which makes you want to punch somebody, daily and recite, what was I thinking having them so close together? Anyway, poop passes. You just have to get through potty training. Couple of years, this will all be poop under the bridge;)

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    1. Lol at "poop under the bridge." Right now in my house it's just "pee under the bathroom baseboards" that we're dealing with. :( That Clooney/Gosling pick is a classic. I still haven't seen the movie they are in together.

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  4. that was a great post!!! And I love the Ryan Gosling Memes!! I can relate :) Thanks for sharing...

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  5. I am right there with you, so I feel your pain. i though girls were easier, I went through this with 5 boys, so now I thought hey piece of cake, well NO NOT REALLY! Great post.

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  6. I've been head of Poop too, and let me reassure you: there comes an end to all the wiping of butts! My kids are now older, and it's done!

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    1. Yay! A light at the end of the tunnel! It's a loooong tunnel right now, though--my youngest just turned two and shows no interest in potty training. ;)

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  7. I agree with Momfever. I have one that is older, though I am in the thick of being the Queen of Poop with our new baby. Great post!

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    1. Thank you! New baby poop is the worst--because it seems to happen 17 times a day. At least toddler and preschooler poop is more limited!

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  8. ahhhh poop. Oh yes. I'm the delegated butt wiper and we have one boy who always goes to the bathroom to poop right when we all start eating dinner. Every day. EVERY DAY. We have tried to change this but nope, doesn't happen. It's a great way to lose some weight because often times my appetite is dulled quite a bit after returning to the table.

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    1. This made me LOL! Why do they do these things? My boys don't usually poop at dinner time, but the cats often do, which might be worse. Too much poop in this house!

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  9. Oh no, poop everywhere must mean no fun for you to clean up. Oh, goodness, well I hope everyone is okay after this, poop accident :(

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  10. Oh goodness...the cat butt thing just brought back some pretty awful memories! I used to have a cat that was a himalayan/persian mix...and he had some, um, ISSUES...and we'll just say that he pooped wherever he darn well felt like it (sometimes I'd find little presents on my pillow), and because of his long hair, he'd often then be walking about, sitting on the furniture and doing whatever, with blobs of poo clinging to the back of his legs.

    My husband (my fiance at the time) put his foot down and said that cat had to go. And I had to agree...I mean, what can you do with a cat that's crapping on your pillow? Fortunately he did all the legwork and found a nice home for the bratty animal. Hopefully he was kinder to his new owners.

    Anyway, this totally made me LOL!! Stumbling this for you!
    Smiles, Jenn

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    1. Jenn--finally someone who gets me! One of my cats has long hair, which is why I'm supposed to go after her with the baby wipes each day. I'm also supposed to brush her everyday, which just means I get bitten everyday, so forget that. Poop on pillows is NOT ok, though, so it sounds like you guys did the right thing. My husband is not a cat person and tolerates them only because they are a "pre-existing condition" to our marriage. His words.

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