Crazed In the Kitchen: How to Make Sure Your Mommy Is the Best She Can Be   

Friday, October 5, 2012

How to Make Sure Your Mommy Is the Best She Can Be

Are you a little boy? Do you love your mommy? Do you want to make her everyday experiences more enriching while you help propel her growth and development? Well, I am here to help. I’m Matthew, I’m four years old, and I have dedicated my life to improving my mommy. Now I’d like to help you help your mommy. Are you ready? Let’s go!

Before we get started on all the ways you can help your mommy throughout the day, you have to understand one thing: Mommies have a weird and mysterious body part that you don’t have. It’s called a “vagina.” Mommies like to be frequently reminded of this physical abnormality, so tell or ask them about it incessantly. Also, mommies like using cute little terms of endearment like “Honey Bunny” and “Sweetpea.” Use your knowledge of your mommy’s strange anatomy to come up with a cute little term of endearment for her. I like to call my mommy “Vagina Person.” She loves this special little joke that only we share (well, us and everyone at Target after that one day). Take a moment now and think of your mommy’s new special nickname….

Are you done? Great! Now let’s talk about all the learning opportunities your mommy has throughout her day. Don’t forget to throw in your special nickname for her as you go!

Mommies LOVE coffee!
Your mommy wakes up in the morning needing a little mental and physical stimulation. Help her out. I like to use music to ease my mommy into her day. Choose your favorite song and sing it repeatedly as you dance around her while she tries to drink hot coffee. Mommies appreciate loud volume at this time to help them become more alert and awake. If you really want your mommy to wake up and face the day, substitute one or more words of your song with your favorite potty words. One of my favorites goes like this: “Old McPoopy had a poop. Poop poop poop poop VAGINA!”

Lots of days, after breakfast mommy has to do errands like grocery shopping. If you get to go with her, you have an amazing opportunity to enrich her day and stimulate her senses. First of all, and as always, remember your potty words. I’ll never forget the look on my sweet Vagina Person’s face when I declared in a crowded checkout line, “It smells like a PENIS in here!” Her bright red face and stammering voice were a sure sign of brain cells growing and synapses being formed. 

Mommies love grocery shopping!
Mommy is busy at the grocery store, so this is not the best time to ask her questions directly. Instead, ask the other grocery store patrons your questions. Let mommy learn from their responses when you ask that lady, “Why are you so fat?” or that man in the wheelchair, “Why don’t your legs work? Did your big fat Vagina Person sit on them?”

When you get home from the grocery store, it will probably be time for lunch. Lunch should always be eaten naked or, if that’s not possible, wearing just underpants. Did you know that underpants have a little hole in the front so you can check that your penis is still there? It’s important to check—you just never know. Mommy thinks lunchtime is a great time for me to check my penis, so I try to do it often while I eat. I aim to please, after all.

Speaking of aim, keep mommy’s brain working hard by declaring a potty “emergency” just as she sits down to eat. This makes my mommy nervous and excited, as she knows that every trip to the potty for me is another opportunity for her to practice her cleaning skills. See, Vagina Person says it’s important to get all the pee in the toilet, but I say it’s important to see if you can hit that little fly on the wall. She likes to play little games with me like “Float a Cheerio in the Toilet and Hit it With Pee,” but somehow it always turns into “Hit the Fly on the Wall With Pee.” She may act mad, but she needs these learning experiences to grow and develop. Keep it up!

Mommies love facebook!
After lunch, my Vagina Person likes us all to have what she calls “Quiet Time.” She used to call it “Nap Time,” but my little brother Poopy Stinky Butt and I had a meeting and decided that watching an hour of TV is much preferable to sleeping. Sometimes during Quiet Time your mommy won’t have enough to do. You’ll know this is true if you see her on the phone or sitting in front of the computer. Your mommy needs to be stimulated if she’s going to grow, so don’t allow this idleness. I like this mental challenge in particular: Start crying for no reason. When your mommy asks you what’s wrong, cry harder. When she asks again, scream, “YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU STINKY HEAD!!!” It may result in a time-out, but it’s worth it. We’re helping here, right?

Remember, mommies don’t like to be alone. Their least favorite parts of the day are when they have to go to the bathroom or take a shower. Don’t let them be sad and lonely. Find a way to be with them during these troubled times. If you can’t actually physically join her in the bathroom (um, what happened to the whole we-don’t-lock-the-bathroom-door-young-man thing?), find a way to lure her out. The quickest and easiest way to do this is through Little Brother Torture. Poopy Stinky Butt’s screams of distress always bring my Vagina Person running, dripping wet and naked, to the rescue. Be sure to laugh and scream “NIPPLES!” at these times. Again, red face and stammering voice = growth and development. And that’s a good thing!

Finally, since poor mommy doesn’t have a penis like everyone else in the family, try to share yours with her. Pull it out at unexpected times (again, Target is good) and scream “PENIS!!” so she knows it’s out. I also like to put my mommy’s little things in my underpants then run around the house screaming, “Your Chapstik is touching my penis!!!” This has the added benefit of giving your mommy the physical exercise that facebook and Twitter just don’t provide as she chases you around the house.

So, there you have it. As you can see, it’s easy to use your everyday daily activities to stimulate and enrich your mommy’s brain, body, and senses. Next week we’ll discuss sleeping and bedtime with a post called “How to Make Sure Your Mommy Doesn’t Get Too Much Sleep.” Until then, keep your volume up and your penis out!

This story was originally posted as my second weekly entry as a contestant on Blogger Idol. To see the judges' comments, read it again here. And be sure to follow me on facebook and Twitter to find out about the next round of Blogger Idol, coming up on Wednesday!


  1. Molly... First and foremost I love the new look- especially your header! So well done, awe heck.. it's really cute! ;) This was HYSTERICAL!!! Still laughing my arse off! Can't wait to hear more. HAhaha Grace, peace and blessings, Carla

  2. "try to hit the little fly on the wall"--Classic! Kids always give us learning opportunities and make sure our lives are enriched, don't they? Those poor people who never have kids--they don't have a clue what kind of learning opportunities they're missing! Good Luck in Blogger Idol!

  3. I love the new look Molly! and I tell you I was laughing while I am reading your post! I can relate to some of this..Kids are something else, and me having 5 boys and now a baby girl I hear and see alot of crazy thing myself! I hope you win the Blogger Idol, you sure enough deserve it!

  4. I can so relate to this post! Wonderful! :)


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