Crazed In the Kitchen: I'm OK With Not Being A MILF As Long As I Don't Have To Clean Up Pee Anymore   

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I'm OK With Not Being A MILF As Long As I Don't Have To Clean Up Pee Anymore

Someone has been peeing on the floor and walls around our toilet.

Yes, I am the mother of two small boys, so I expect a certain amount of, um…spray. That’s fine. I can deal with spray. But what I have been finding lately is NOT SPRAY, unless the new meaning of “spray” is “puddles.”

It’s smelly. It’s gross to look at. And it’s NOT OK.

At first, I tried talking to my boys about the problem. I figured it would be like those conversations you read about in parenting books: They would willingly take responsibility for their actions and together we’d create a fun plan to avoid future problems. Heck, we might even make a sticker chart!

Right. Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Guys, someone is peeing on the floor and walls around the toilet.

5-year-old: (shrugging exaggeratedly) It’s not me!

3-year-old: (eyes wide with “innocence”) It’s not me!

Me: Well, who is it then???

(Both look pensive)

5-year-old: Guess it must be Daddy!

3-year-old: Yeah, Daddy!!

And off they ran to do whatever it is they do when they’re not peeing on the floor and walls around the toilet.

My husband, of course, was shocked and horrified by this. And I, of course, mostly believed him when he swore that he was not responsible.

But, here’s the thing.

It’s PROBABLY NOT him.

It PROBABLY IS the boys.

But—and I know this to be true—it’s DEFINITELY NOT me.

And so I have decided to abdicate my position of head-cleaner-of-pee-on-the-floor-and-walls-around-the-toilet. And since my husband has until now been the vice-cleaner-of-pee-on-the-floor-and-walls-around-the-toilet, that leaves him in charge.

My husband tried to argue that I really couldn’t with 100% certainty claim that I had never peed on the floor next to or behind the toilet.

“Oh, yeah?” I responded. “I guess you’re right. I guess maybe if I did this….”

And I proceeded to pretend to pee, standing up and facing an imaginary toilet while aiming for the walls and floor.

Now I’m a woman, with regular working lady parts, so you can just imagine the bending, thrusting, and gyrating that this little show involved—even while fully clothed.

My husband cringed, and maybe even heaved a little, and told me that was by far the least sexy thing he has ever seen me do. (I think he has blocked out the unmedicated childbirth that he witnessed just 8 months ago, lucky bastard.) But I was willing to take the hit on my MILF status, because he eventually had to agree that I was not the pee-pee perpetrator.

So…I’m out. Starting tomorrow, my boys are on notice that THEY will be responsible for cleaning the floor and walls around the toilet.

And I’m willing to bet that everyone’s aim will miraculously improve soon after.

16 comments:

  1. ahhh yeah, it's a boy thing. i know it well. they are way impressive with their ability pass blame... kind of like the way they pass gas. in some areas those boys are pros!

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    1. Lol! They do pass blame almost as well as they pass gas. Now if they were just as talented at hitting the toilet bowl...

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  2. I don't know whether to laugh or commiserate. Well written post!

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  3. this is so funny... had 2 boys and remember the bathroom mess when they were little.. i used to tell them that they held it to long so that by the time they got in there it was like a sprinkler gone bad! Good luck.. it lasts for years..lol

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    1. "A sprinkler gone bad" made me laugh--so true.

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  4. oh my goodness...yes, boys are nasty little creatures aren't they? One of the chores I hate is the bathroom ... I recently told my husband he was on his own for cleaning up the toilets cause it is just not a chore intended for a woman. We know it isn't us...virtually impossible since we don't stand up. Loved the tale though...quite entertaining.

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    1. Thank you--and good for you for passing on cleaning the toilets. I think we need to start a movement here...

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  5. Ha! Too funny.
    I remember my mother telling me about stories she'd heard about families with boys. SIgh. I have one boy, and we are finally using the potty, and i am NOT looking forward to this. Wow.

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  6. I agree that boys can make a huge mess when using the bathroom. I hate cleaning the bathrooms too.

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  7. Hee hee! That's funny. I'm pretty sure it isn't you. I know what you mean. When my grandsons come to visit or especially stay over night, I have to sanitize the bathroom when they leave. I hope not having to clean it helps them aim better.

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  8. I think it was all Chris, I have known him far too long to believe him when he blames the boys.
    -Cousin Mike

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  9. Alright, you've convinced me to give up my post as target enforcer. I'm out as well. Is it REALLY that hard to aim correctly? Or is it that much work to lift up the seat?

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  10. Oh my gosh! This is sooo funny! My 3 year old is too lazy to put his own pants up and misses every time! So I know I have a long ways to go! Can't believe you've got so many guys in your house! But I definitely agree and probably would have made the same performance whether my husband thought it was sexy or not! lol!

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